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It's Monday, the typical Monday. The kind of work day, that you think, "Yeah, I can stop by my favorite little cafe and get a beer". The kind of place where the people are great, workers and regulars. It's the Cactus Cafe located on campus in the Texas Union bldg.

I do my normal thing. I go in have one beer, nurse it for about an hour, hour and a half; and talk with some friends.

Well, my beer is up and I tell every one good bye and hope that they have a fun evening (the norm.

As I am heading towards my truck, I realize my trip home would be a lot more comfortable if I make a "pit stop". The restrooms in the Union are some of the cleanest on campus.

Anyway.........................

I hear someone go into the stall about two doors down (close and lock the door). He then whispers, "I've dropped my pants". I'm thinking, "Do you have to announce it?". He then whispers, "My cock is in my hand". I'm thinking, "What?!?". He whispers, "Can you hear me?". I'm pretty sure we are the only two people in this restroom, but he had better not be talking to me. Basically, I'm in shock. I can hear him getting a lot of toilet paper. At this point, I realize I can hear another voice, a female voice...it's coming from his cell phone.

I can now hear the tell tale, "pft pft pft pft" rapid repetition. He's going at it. I can also hear the female's voice, she seems to be a bit excited. I hear him whisper, "Don't hold back.". Sure enough, she wailing. He's chanting, "Oh baby." and "Yeah." I'm thinking, "Oh dear lord.".

What does one do, or say in a situation like that. My experiences so far have left me with nothing. I just remain quiet.

Eventually, they both reach a crescendo. He whispers, "I can't believe I did that.". I'm thinking along the same lines. He then says, "Let me call you back, I need to clean up.". I hear more toilet paper being rolled out and then a flush. I hear him exit the stall, go to the sink and wash up. I hear a door open and close. I'm like, now! Now I can get the hell out of here. As I exit the stall, he's standing by the sink.

He is frozen like a deer in the head lights. I just glance at him and go to the sink to wash up. While I'm doing that, he grabs his back pack and races out.

When I leave, I turn right to exit the building and just as I reach the door...I stop and look back. He's standing in front of the elevator looking at me. When he sees me turn around, he starts repeatedly pushing the elevator doors.

I really could have gone my whole life with out that particular experience.

I went back to the Cactus for another beer.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "You are your own worst enemy"?

I, every once in a great while, will find someone to love. Someone who will actually enjoy my company. However, I will inevitably sabotage the relationship.

It's like...I know, somewhere down inside, inside my insecurities, that it will end. It's inevitable. So, instead of prolonging the end, I just do something completely stupid and cause the end to come that much more quickly.

It's not a recipe for a happy ending.

I can watch others get together; I can see the fairy tale unfolding before me. My heart aches (and yes, the tears come unbidden to the eyes) and I think, "That is what love should be". I wonder, "why not me?".

I seem to find the worst thing to say and the absolute worst time to say it; and I let loose. Pain for all involved. I'm left stunned at my unbelievable stupidity. My utter callousness. My self enforced loneliness continues.

It's only recently, that I have discovered this about myself. Well, I'm not happy with my past actions. In addition, I'm afraid that my future self will try and self destruct again.

I am on the look-out for this person, for this imploding bomb waiting to go off.

I am working hard on dismantling the bomb. I'm trying to read the schematics this time around. Which, of course, means that I'm looking inside myself for, really, for the first time since I was a child. It's a been a long time coming.

I don't know if I will ever be someone that others can fully trust, when I don't fully trust myself. I only wish that I might discover within that which might allow me to come close to being that person.


Well, here is to you who have found happiness. Here is to you, who live the fairy tale.

I throw my head back and yell (softly), "Son of a Bitch!".

I can feel a pleasure rising quickly with just a touch of pain; it has been so long.

I can feel goose bumps traveling up my spine as a wave. I can feel the wave come up over my shoulders, down my arms. I can feel it going up my neck, the back of my head, and across my scalp.

The pleasure has crested, the pain is dimming.

My legs feel wobbly and weak. My feet are both numb and tingling.

And I think to myself..."Was that the best piss I've ever had?"

 Well, as you can tell...Updating is also not my forte. 

Ok. I did not move ~sigh~ 

Today is my 40th birthday. My immediate coworkers have been very good at wishing me happy birthday. The rest of the office doesn't seem to know; even though, it seems, that all other birthdays are announced with flourish and fan-fare. Oh well. 

I'm not exactly saddened by this so called big event. I just don't know how I feel, except that I'm pretty sure that there was a mistake made on birth certificate as to my year of birth. There is no way that I'm 40! Well maybe I am. 

My friend McKee just gave me a birthday card that he made; drew a pirate aboard his ship, pointing at a whale and declaring "Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It is Bobby Dick!" I can't tell you how much it meant to me. It was a cheering event.

I'm having lunch today with a friend of mine, "Sister" Mary Elizabeth, she is a way cool chick that with a smile will brighten a room and with a look will make mens' knees go weak. I don't think she is aware of her powers. She's a vegetarian, just another facet of her coolness; so we are having lunch at Veggie Heaven. I've eaten there before (with her) and it's pretty good. 

This evening I'm planning on going to the Cactus Cafe with Mc. Its a nice on campus bar that has really nice people and one of my favorite beers (the McEwan's Scotch Ale), but really I go there for the people. Don't get me wrong, I don't go there because I feel the need to talk to people. I do that everyday as a extremely large part of my job. I also don't, really, go there for the beer; I have beer at home. I really like these people...they are friends. 

My normal habit is go and have one beer, nursing it for about an hour and then bidding adieu and going home. Tonight, though, I may just go wild and have 2 or 3 beers. Yeah!! A wild man on the loose! Lock up your daughters and your mothers! I am a man on a mission. 

All right. As you know, I am not a huge blogger (no matter my equipment). Just to let you know...my hobby is still going strong; I'm still trying to quit smoking, which of course means that I keep failing so that I can quit again. So much fun.

Anyway, I have decided to share my fav recipe with, well, whoever...

All right lets start with the basics, you need a 13" x 9" casserole dish, lightly greased with Spam couldn't hurt, but it's not necessary. Measuring devices will not be needed on this one.

Ingredients:

      2lbs of hamburger meat
      2 12ounce cans of enchilada sauce
      2 cans of Campbell's Cream of Chicken soup
      1 can of Campbell's Cream of Celery soup
      1 can of Campbell's Cream of Broccoli
      1 can of Jalapenoes peppers (whole)
      approx. 24 corn tortillas (although, I always guess wrong on the #)
       about 2 cups of shredded cheese

Prep:

      Slice and dice peppers, de-seed according to heat index. Open cans (hehe). Preheat oven at 300 degrees.

Cooking:

      In a large skillet, brown hamburger meat with about 1/3 of sliced peppers. In a large pot, pour soups and sauce, adding the remainder of peppers. Heat, stirring occasionally. Sauce needs to be hot and well blended.

      Layer the bottom of the casserole dish with about 6 tortillas. Spread a thin layer of hamburger across bottom of dish (on top of tortillas), spoon, or pour, sauce over meat; don't be stingy with the sauce, you don't want the tortillas to dry out during the oven phase. Sprinkle cheese over the sauce. Lay out 6 more tortillas over that. Apply more meat, sauce and cheese. Keep that up until you run out of room or ingredients.  Try and keep the layers fairly even.

      Now cover with some aluminum foil and bake at about 300 degrees for about 45 minutes.

Enjoy.

BTW, the reason I call it "gringo enchilada casserole" is the soups.

Large decisions have never been my forte. I have made them, but it will always be some thing that requires a lot of thought, often agonizing over options for days on end. The decision that faces me now is: do I move leaving everything that is familiar to me, my family and my friends, all to be nearer to the one I love?

I have never truly believe in "the power of love" before. I just figured that lust was what people were mistaking love for' that, and the ability to get along with someone. 

I have been bitten. I can't believe I never saw it before. After nearly 4 decades, I finally understand. Love is what makes you feel as if you can face what ever life throws at you, if your love is by your side. Love is something that you would be willing to give up all that you have to be with the one you love. When you are with the your love, your dreams, the beating of your heart and your very soul become as one.

With this conclusion, I am compelled to keep searching for employment in her area. It may be that this relationship will not "work out". I feel that she is worth it. I feel as if she is worth every chance. 

I most certainly cannot continue here. Here I will be stagnating. There is no future for me here, when my heart is there.

I have to do whatever I can and give up whatever I have to get there. That which I will give up will not be gone forever. My friends and family will still be here, I can always come back and visit. I am fairly decent at making new friends, and I do have existing friends there as well as my love. Perhaps the decision is not as large as I am making it out to be. 

Well...what will be, will be.

Hello again. I writing to you (me) from the good old UT of Austin, TX. I've been working here for almost 9 years. The pay sucks, but the ppl are cool. The mornings here are usually pretty slow; personal theory is that students don't get out of bed this early.

I just got back from spending the weekend in Conroe, TX. Absolutely beautiful place. Looked at a house that I would really like to live in. Just got to get a job, first. I'm looking for a job with Sam Houston State Univ. as that is only about a 20 minute drive North. There are lots of jobs at Universities in Houston (you can tell that I want to stick with Univ's), but the commute would really suck ass.  

The house was originally a one bed one bath with a screened in front porch, but at some time or another, someone changed it into another bedroom, or sitting room, or some such...

It's surrounded by those huge pine trees, they are very very tall. Not a lot of underbrush, so it is very peaceful and serene. Of course, there is a nice view of the lake that is about 100 yards from the front of the house.


I woke up this morning at about 4am, my left arm was killing me. It was aching from the sholder all the way down to my thumb; and no, my chest was not hurting. No heart attack for me, thank you very much. However, the ache didn't go away until about 6:30 am. I didn't get any sleep during that period.

I decided that this very cold day, that I would brave the weather sans hat or coat. Trying out my self taught Zen. Cold is just a state of mind. If I believe that I am warm, than I am. So far so good, although my ears don't seem to be listening. Funny huh? 

Well, if you read my earlier entry, you would be aware of one of my hobbies...the whole quitting smoking thing. Well, I am happy to say, "The hobby is in full swing". I still smoke and I still try to quit. 

Ok, this is my first journal in any shape, form or media.

I keep falling for women who are very imaginative. They seem like they know who they are and where they are going. It may be they don't, but they manage to seem that way. They are intelligent; they lack nothing in the looks department. I seem to be drawn to them in a almost spiritual manner. There is an almost instant electricity in the air when I first meet them. 

Of course, over time, they usually feel that they can do better or they don't want to commit. Funny, I thought it was the "man's" job to avoid commitment. 

Well, friend(s), I have met another and hopefully the last. If my heart keeps getting broken, I don't know if will be able to find all the pieces this time around, especially.

She is wonderful. She has all the qualities that I look for in a potential mate, and even some that I would only fantasize about. I could so see myself married to her. That is strange in itself. I have NEVER envisioned my self married. I even took Home Ec in junior high and high school in preparation of a very very long bachelor hood. What is that old line, "You make me want to be a better man". Well, she does. I miss her all the time. 

Well, I'm trying to quit smoking, again. I guess it is almost a hobby now. I just keep quitting, of course I keep starting again just so that I may continue with my hobby.

It's the day before Thanksgiving and I'm at work. A lot of people have been released to start their holiday a bit early. I'm still here. I don't mind. My friend McKee is gone and I say, "more power to him". 

Man o'man, I really want a cig.

Going to Specs tonight. I am in search of a particular beer. I highly recommend "Reverend" by Avery Brewery out of Colorado.

Well, that's enough for my first entry. 

Just one final note.

I WANT A CIGARETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace